Tomorrow

I head back to the the clinic for another beta.  I am nervous.  I know it sounds stupid to those who are still struggling, but I still can't believe this is real, so the feeling that it's too good to be true is still in my head.

On Monday when the E.P.T's were coming up lightly positive I was OMGAWD so those "symptoms" were actually real?  Then when my husband came home with some pink dye ones I had a mini panic attack.. I was scared to death as to how I was going to blog that I was mistaken, and the tests were false.  I was convinced that I was not just setting myself up for failure, but that I had other people even believing that it MAY have been true.

Tuesday morning I took another pink dye test, that was just as light as the night before one.  Tuesday night I was nervous that my test at the OB's was going to be negative, so I took my last digital one, and it said Pregnant.  Imagine my heart when they said I wasn't pregnant.  I started to apologize for thinking I was pregnant...When really, I was saying sorry to myself for even believing it was true.

So when I found out that my blood work came back saying that I was pregnant I thought I was going to feel relief..nope, now the new worry...What if on Friday it doesn't double?  I mean, I told people I was pregnant already because I want to celebrate being pregnant, even if it is only for a little while..

The Eve before my next blood test I came to realise that because I am infertile that not only have I lost my fertility, but it stole my ability to even enjoy a pregnancy.  Because after tomorrow I am sure I will be worrying about the ultrasound, then making it to week 12, then baby movements..and so on.

With that, I would like to thank Infertility for robbing me of my life.  Thanks alot.