The Bean

Here is the little bean!

I had my ultrasound today, and it was AWESOME!  The little bean is measuring behind by a few days, but I was told that that was normal, and it will fluctuate from being behind to ahead at times.  The baby's heart rate was on the slower side, at 114 bmp, but was also reassured that it will go up everyday. (If it isn't 1 thing, it's another!)  We aslo figured out the bleeding/spotting!  When I had the other 2 ultrasounds they noted there was free fluid in my uterus, well it's gone.  The tech seems to think that may be the spotting. /shrug

*Based on my last period, my due date would be Feb 16th, but based on measurements today, they say it would be Feb 20th.

***By the way, the top is not the baby's head!  It's the yolk sac! But it sure looks like a perfectly formed baby head hahaha - The baby is the blob under it =)***

Been Quiet

I've been quiet for a few days because I don't want every post of mine to be negative, or a roller coaster ride.  I've been trying to hold on till Monday when I get another ultrasound, and hopefully some good news.  I have promised myself that once I see everything is okay, then I will stop worrying and enjoy it as much as possible.

It's really hard to explain the way I am feeling..I think I am having a hard time believing this is real, or even believing that this will work out because it almost feels like I cheated.  That I was only suppose to get pregnant via ART.  Sounds crazy, right?  Well, I feel crazy right now.

Yesterday morning around 5am I went to pee and saw the dreaded pink.  I called my OB again, and reported it like I was told to.  I got a call back saying they wanted 1 last beta test to make sure it hasn't dropped.  But I was warned not to expect it to double, that between 4-6 weeks it doubles every 48hrs, but between 6-8 weeks it slows down.  Glad she warned me, because when I found out it didn't double I still couldn't help but google it.

Tuesday 10681, Thursday 17393

I woke up this morning and there was the pink to greet me again...This time (TMI) it was pink and egg white mucus.  Like the same stretchy/snotty kind of mucus you get when you're ovulating.  I guess the good thing is that it's not bright pink, it's light.  Almost a light pinky/brown.

*********

In other news! 

My husband has taken over my weight loss Journey!  He has finally stepped up and started working out every day for 2hrs!  I laugh because here I'll be gaining weight, and he will be fit!  It's really neat to see the domino effect that weight loss has on those around us.  Even our daughter Jayleen...She's just petite naturally, but she works out 30mins - 1 hr Monday-Friday.  she does yoga, and the elliptical.  I am so glad that she practised what I preached, and not what she saw =)
(I guess I should mention that Jayleens fitness is part of her home school curriculm for physical Ed hehehe)

Last weekend my mother came to town.  I've mentioned how she brings gifts, which range from odd, to expensive...and usually for no reason.  Last month when she came, she brought us a 42" LCD TV for our living room...  Last weekend we had a day planned for shopping.  She's from Canada, so she was looking forward to checking out some stores that they don't have, so we hit the mall.

My husband picked out a new blue ray/home theatre for the new TV, and my mother handed him $150 cash towards it.  I picked up a new outfit that I ADORE! and plan on wearing on Monday to my ultrasound!  and I found the OPI nail polish line Shrek...which I  am in LOVE with.  Then when we were in Khols, my mother comes over to me and hands me $40 to buy something nice.  I had to stop for a moment and wonder if her breast cancer was back...because this is too generous, even for her.

Turns out she's really excited about the possibility of another grand baby.  My brother and his wife have 3 daughters and then they chose to get "fixed" after Sydneys birth.  So I am the only one left to produce anymore babies, and the only one to be able to give her a grandson.  AS if getting through the 1st 3 months isn't enough pressure, but the sex of the baby too? haha

She also ALWAYS comes with gifts for Jayleen.  Sometimes it's clothing, sometimes it's her favorite chocolate bars that they don't have in the states, to her favorite chips they don't have here either (Ketchup chips)  this time it was $50 cash, and BAMBOO drawing tablet for her computer, since Jayleen loves drawing!

This weekend I am just going to hang around the house and do nothing!  I have had such a crazy week, that doing nothing seems like a holiday from real life!

What a day! (everything seems to be okay)

I woke up this morning with some side cramps.  It was noticeable, but nothing too terrible.  but as the morning progressed they got worse.  I was already having a weird morning with food aversions...Yogurt tasting like sushi, and the pot I was going to make my oatmeal in, all of a sudden smelled like hot dogs.

So by time I figured something out to eat, I felt -wet- down there.  I went to the bathroom and saw red.  It was like an alarm went off and I panicked.  I started freaking out because I noticed I had cramps with the sharp pains.  I wiped and wiped and it stopped.

By time my OB's office was able to call back, my husband was already on his way home.  The OB couldn't make any time to see me, and said to go to the ER.  I ended up going to my family doctor across from the ER and figured that if she thought I should go in, I'd go.

The family Doctor checked me over, and did an internal.  She noted there was no blood, and that my cervix was closed tight.  She figures the bleeding was just something that happened,. and the side pains/cramps I had was from something unrelated to the pregnancy.  She didn't want to send me for another Ultrasound because I had one on Wednesday, Thursday, and then just had a pelvic exam, and that she didn't want to disturb the cervix anymore.

SO I went for more blood work.  Course the cramping went away, and I am barely spotting now.  Last Thursday night my beta was 1964, and today its at 10681, which seems to be okay.

I am pooped out.  With the scare today, and the food aversions, I am just wondering what next week will bring

cramping and bleeding

no idea what's going on...

calling the doctor now


Edit:  Still waiting for a nurse to call me back, it's been over an hour now.  The cramps have gone away and the bleeding is now just spotting, but I have terrible sharp pain in my side..not even around uterus or ovary...over to the side more. 

Welcome June ICLW!

Welcome to my little space on the Internet =)  I started this blog not too long ago to document my journey from weight loss, to finding me again, and finding how I was going to get pregnant.  My husband and I have fertility issues, Pcos, and moderate male factor.  We did numerous of clomid cycles, in which I did not ovulate.  Then we were told in 2008 that our only real hope was going to be super ovulation with IUI's.

We tried 2 super ovulation cycles with iui where I ovulated 4 and then 5 eggs...Then we were told that it just wasn't worth it anymore, that we should really think about IVF.  So after doing the 2 super ovulation cycles last spring, we decided for IVF last summer.  Then came the Frozen Egg Transfer...and with that came the sadness that we just can't keep affording to do this.

So I started off 2010 with a big bang! I decided to use the year to focus on getting healthy, finding me again, and trying to find the feeling of hope that I had lost.  After losing 70lbs I woke up and decided that I wanted to start back at step 1.  Back at clomid.  I wanted to see what would happen now, now that I was so much more healthier.

I had an appt booked with a new OB/Gyn on June 9th.  I booked it a month in advance, I actually booked it for a breast health check, because I wanted to surprise her with me asking for clomid! lol.  I was nervous.  I also started to check for ovulation, I figured that since my period was coming some what monthly, that I may even start ovulating on my own.  ( I haven't ovulated on my own in years)

On May 26th my OPK was positive.  On June 7th my pregnancy test was positive!  My June 9th appt turned into a pregnancy confirmation appt =)

After 5 years of ttc with help, and spending well over 20k last year on ART...we were able to conceive on our own.  My next ultrasound appt in on the 28th for a viability check.  I think that may be the day that this finally seems real...That I may actually start picturing myself having a baby again.

Night in the ER

Yesterday I was in alot of pain. My LEFT side was aching with a few sharp stabbing pains. So we decided that it would be best to have that looked at, especially since we were told things were looking grim.

I've never been to a hospital in the States before...I was impressed.

The ER doc came in and explained that he went over all of my blood work and ultrasound from yesterday..that they have all that information on their computer that is shared through our provider? He even knew I went to the doctor last week and they said I wasn't pregnant and that I said I WAS and then I had blood work to throw it in their face! ha!

In 4 hours, I had blood test, urine culture, the OB surgeon come explain that if he doesn't see a sac in the uterus tonight, he wanted to do surgery because it was obvious the baby was thriving somewhere, just not sure where and it wasn't safe to wait it out...so I called my mom, told her the news, and got wheeled down to the Ultrasound

The tech did an abdominal one 1st. Uterus was empty, so she focused on the ovaries and located a cyst on each one. She also went over Wednesdays ultrasound where the Tech and Radiologist believes that the large cyst on my right ovary was indeed my gestational sac. Her plan was to do a video with the transvaginal ultrasound, and try and show that it wasn't moving separately, but together as a whole. which would rule out the very RARE 2% ectopic on the ovary.

she slid the transvaginal ultrasound in, and BOOOOOOM! BABY SAC IN UTERUS! beautiful sac measuring right on target with blood flow! She did the video thing, and went back to the sac...She even said she's not suppose to comment, but that it was perfect looking!

Based on my LMP, and the baby's Sac, I am Due Feb 17th, 2011!

The ER doc came back and was so happy for us. He was so worried he was going to be reporting the bad news, especially after he went through yesterdays (Wednesdays) ultrasound...He did say that he wasn't expecting to see a sac, and I was being booked for surgery! Then he joked around asking to see our baby photos. Turns out, all of my ultrasounds are kept on file, so I can go back at anytime and ask for printouts!

Beta 1404

and there is no sac in the uterus. 

They did however see a mass on my right ovary that looks suspicious.  Normally it could be a corpus luteum but the characteristics of this one has them undecided.  They couldn't rule out "Ectopic"

Everything seems like a blur.  The ultrasound tech went and got her boss, who came back and basically talked in a circle and sent me right back to my OB to explain...Course the OB says I need to wait...But it could be early.  They also do my due date based on my last menstrual period, not ovulation, so in their book I am not even 5 weeks yet,,but based on ovulation I should be 5 weeks and a few days.

Wednesday

Is my next day for more blood work! Hoping these bruises and lumps heal before then. The Ob nurse called to say that the doctor would like to watch my beta closely till I hit 1,500. Because I've had an ectopic before. Once I hit 1,500 they can schedule me for an ultrasound to see where the little bean made home.

Since I was #531 yesterday, and beta is on Wednesday which is 3 days instead of 2...PRAYING it's 1500 on Wednesday so I can have 1 more thing to check off my worry list =)

I didn't know that you can't see anything on ultrasound till you're HCG is 1,500+ I wonder if the girls on the message boards with beta's of 700 who have had an ultrasound know that that wasn't their baby they saw...cause they don't show up until your number is greater than 1,500... :Sarcasm: sheesh.

Don't get me wrong, I am sure I would be freaked out more that they didn't see anything because it was too early...but still, just tell me that, not that it's impossible.

3rd Beta

I will not be one of those ladies who complain about everything in my pregnancy, promise. I will however talk about what makes me scared/nervous.  Because...This is the happiest, scariest and most uncertain time for me.  Pregnancy does not always equal a "take home baby".

Since before I found out I was indeed pregnant, I had been having some lower back cramps.  It's been going on now for a week.  Everywhere I read says it's normal in early pregnancy.  BUT let me tell you about my cramps.  I constantly feel like I will be getting my period at any moment.  It's like AF x5 at times.

The past 2 nights I've woken in the middle of the night in so much pain.  It's really strange, and hard to explain.  I'll go to bed and feel the "normal" cramps and then wake up with terrible lower back pain.  I end up running a warm bath, and within a few minutes of being in there, they are gone.  All that's left is a weird pressure by my pubic bone, which usually will settle down within a few more minutes. 

I called the OB, but there isn't much they can do at this point, as long as I am not bleeding, and the pain isn't hitting a 10 on a scale 1-10.  I also get the lecture about the need to stop worrying, and obsessing :P

Beta on Friday was 228
Beta Today was 531!

My fingers are crossed that it was my last beta.  My arms look like a Junkie's arms!  Hoping because of the pain and pressure that I will get my ultrasound in soon, just for peace of mind.    =)

Beta #2

I left the house this morning at 7am so I could be the 1st one at the lab =)

I waited till 11am before I gave in and just called the OB to find out if they had the new numbers. The nurse read my 1st beta again, which wasn't 94, it was 84! She wasn't sure if I heard it wrong on Wednesday, or if the older gal saw the 8 as a 9. Either way, it was an okay number.

14 dpo, at 11:30am my beta was 84!
and today
16dpo, at 8am my beta was 228!

I go in for my last beta on Sunday, and will find out the results on Monday, and if all is good, we will be settng up an ultrasound!

Tomorrow

I head back to the the clinic for another beta.  I am nervous.  I know it sounds stupid to those who are still struggling, but I still can't believe this is real, so the feeling that it's too good to be true is still in my head.

On Monday when the E.P.T's were coming up lightly positive I was OMGAWD so those "symptoms" were actually real?  Then when my husband came home with some pink dye ones I had a mini panic attack.. I was scared to death as to how I was going to blog that I was mistaken, and the tests were false.  I was convinced that I was not just setting myself up for failure, but that I had other people even believing that it MAY have been true.

Tuesday morning I took another pink dye test, that was just as light as the night before one.  Tuesday night I was nervous that my test at the OB's was going to be negative, so I took my last digital one, and it said Pregnant.  Imagine my heart when they said I wasn't pregnant.  I started to apologize for thinking I was pregnant...When really, I was saying sorry to myself for even believing it was true.

So when I found out that my blood work came back saying that I was pregnant I thought I was going to feel relief..nope, now the new worry...What if on Friday it doesn't double?  I mean, I told people I was pregnant already because I want to celebrate being pregnant, even if it is only for a little while..

The Eve before my next blood test I came to realise that because I am infertile that not only have I lost my fertility, but it stole my ability to even enjoy a pregnancy.  Because after tomorrow I am sure I will be worrying about the ultrasound, then making it to week 12, then baby movements..and so on.

With that, I would like to thank Infertility for robbing me of my life.  Thanks alot.

Got the Call!

But before that call came in.....

I took my LAST test

And that will be the last test I'll be taking to confirm that I am pregnant this time...BECAUSE I AM PREGNANT!  14 dpo beta is 94!  I go back on Friday to make sure it's rising!

Waiting Game...

So, I arrived at my OB appt a bit early.  They did their urine sample, and as I sat there, the nurse came back in the room not even 1 minute later.  "It's negative, you're not pregnant"

huh?

I have taken 7, yes 7 tests...Even last night at 9:30pm I took another digital, and it said -pregnant-  I don't get it.  Over night I lost the pregnancy?  no, there was no pregnancy they claim.  HUHHUH?

They did claim that they did see this happen 2 weeks ago,  A lady came in saying she had a positive home pregnancy test, but their urine one said negative...and her bloodwork said slightly positive, she called in a few days later to say she got her period.

Is this suppose to make me feel better?  Because all it did was make me more stressed, and make me fight off having to throw up in my purse.

After I gave blood downstairs for a beta test, I went to walmart and bought a 1st response pregnancy test.  Positive right away.  Not dark, but positive.  I am confused...

I guess I'll know in another hour.

Pinch Me!

I hardly slept a wink!  Which is odd because the past 5 days I have been napping, and in bed by 9:30pm! 

I woke up at 4am to pee...I turned on every light in the house trying to find the other pink dye test.  Finally I got my husband up and we searched.  I found it on top of a shelf and Nathaniel said "Oh, I forgot I put it up there!"  I almost peed myself, I had to pee so bad! thanks =)

The line is still light, but a tad darker than last nights test.  I have 1 more digital left that I'll take tomorrow before I leave for my appt.  I am scared that it will end up being a chemical pregnancy and it'll disappear!  I just can't believe that it finally happened to me, ME! the one who thought it only happened to everyone else!

I called my Ob/Gyno to change my appt tomorrow, from breast check/hsg to pregnancy confirmation.  Turns out it will be a urine test..I hope they have good tests.

Based on my last menstrual period, my due date will be Feb 14th, 2010.  http://www.ivf.ca/ (natural pregnancy calc)

It's also funny how I've always had a plan in my head how I would tell my husband, and how I would capture it...Well, that all WENT OUT the window the moment I saw a faint line ha!  I couldn't contain myself...crap, I still can't stop smiling! and using !!! at the end of every sentence!

Still waiting to wake up from this dream!

Iam PREGNANT!

I think I'm pregnant!!!

test #3!  This time a pink dye test, is positive!  Very faint, but for sure there!  I am around 11 or 12dpo!

Holy crap!

Ps.  You may need pregnancy test reading eyes to be able to see the line!

Not getting my hopes up

Here it is now, 20 minutes past.

I have been google searching E.P.T. and it seems alot of ladies get false positives. blah, that would be something that would happen to me! So, I decided not to get excited, until a different test shows me different.

I never read a test over 10 minutes...these lines are showing up within the time limit, BUT they do look faded out at 1st, and as they dry, get darker. that's what makes me nervous. Plus the fact that I have AWFUL af cramps.

So don't be surprised if my next post was "It was fun while it lasted!" lol

If I ovulated, it would be 12dpo

I have had the worst af cramps the past 2 days. Woke up last night with a lower back ache, which is a sign AF is coming!

Yesterday I took a E.P.T. There is only 1 small store that's close by, and thats the only test they sell. So, I took one yesterday and after 5 minutes you could see a very very faint +. So faint that it was the evaporation line.

I just took the other one, and right away is a very very faint to the +...so faint that my camera won't pick it up. Here is a picture of it at 3 minutes past... Is it my imagination? is EPT's known for evaporation lines?

McFatty Monday!

Start Weight: 231
Last Week: 164.5
Today: 162.8!

This week I cut down on the exercising abit, JUST in case I did ovulate, and the egg was trying to implant...yeah, I should have known better!  I guess I was looking for an excuse to slow down and give myself a break this week.

The break was AWESOME! and AWFUL!

Just working out for 2hrs a day instead of 3 made me feel guilty!  But I was able to push those guilt feelings outa my head fast...That was the scary part :P  But since I know I am not pregnant, I am back in the losing game, full force!  This week I will be back on my old schedule, and hoping to see a difference by the end of this month.

The past two weeks I've struggled with some salty foods, and now with my period just around the corner, I feel the sweet tooth kicking in.  So on Saturday we picked up a big bag of those hard candies, Jolly Ranchers.  3 of those are like 70 calories (yikes) BUT those babies are rock hard.  Which means I can't just bite em and eat a bunch.  It's one of those candies that you have to suck on right down to the last sliver of a piece, if you want to keep your teeth.

and that's how I plan on feeding my sweet tooth this week.  Allowing myself up to 3 pieces of this candy a day.. hopefully I'll be good and spread it out throughout the day =)

Looking Forward

The past few days have been uneventful.  I've used the rainy gloomy weather to my advantage, and caught up on some housework that I love putting off.  Now that I have the house all caught up, and it's Friday night..I'm looking forward to tomorrow!

The weekend will fly by!  Tomorrow I will be going shopping, which always ends up taking an entire day.  Then on Sunday we have my mother coming into town =)  She called me this morning to let me know that she will be coming with gifts.  (If you know my mother, then you know that her gifts can range from over the top, right down to, WTF)

Then on Wednesday I have my doctors appt.  Hoping to leave there with at least a plan.  I need a plan.  pleasepleaseplease let there be a plan!

With every failed cycle, the only thing I had was a plan.  7 days past a 3 day transfer, bfn...I started planning for the frozen cycle.  8dpiui, bfn...start planning the next cycle..

I need something to look forward to!