The call

In 2009 I did my fertility treatments, Injections, IUI's, IVF and a frozen egg transfer.  Before I could do any of those things, my husband and I had to have blood work done for infectious diseases.  I knew that I would have the antibodies for 1 of the things tested, because in 2000 I was sexually assaulted and at the disclosure hearing it was disclosed he had tested positive for Chlamydia at the time of arrest.

It wasn't till Monday that I started to have anxiety about everything, so I made my appointment a day earlier to discuss this with the OB.  She asked about the infectious panel I had done, and told her that I remember they said something else was "borderline" too...But that I didn't know what it was, and I never looked into it, because the IVF nurse told me not to worry about it.

And that's when I was told that it was HSV.  herpes.  But how could that be?  I've never had a cold sore in my life, I've never had sores down below...and then we were educated that some people don't have signs or symptoms.  I thought nothing of it, and said meh, we'll do the c-section.  Especially if I didn't show any signs of having that.

She told us it's usually less than 1% of those who pass it on to their babies, but because I had no show of it, aka lesions, that it could be as high as 3% chance of him getting it due to viral shedding.  That alot of times the outcome is fetal demise.  She started me right away on some pills, that are suppose to suppress any outbreaks, visible or not, and sent me for blood work.

And that's when it started...the googling.  I found alot of information on this, and read alot of positive outcomes, and some doom and gloom ones.  I was heartbroken.  I was sad because I didn't know, and even though I didn't know, I was sad I put my son in this situation.

Another hard thing was to call my family and explain this to them.  You know, since HSV comes with a Stigma.  I couldn't even say HSV or herpes, because I was worried what others thought.  I even sent my husband to pick up the prescription. 

I've been up for 2 days crying.  I've been researching to find out everything I can on this.  I've been looking into pediatricians who may specialize in it, I've been preparing for the worse...Then I got the call

Everything came back normal.  I don't have it. 

I think I may go sleep for a week.