Friday, April 30, 2010

'That Girl'

A few months ago, I realized that I had lost me...
That I have been -That Girl- my whole life, that I never gave myself a chance to be anything else, nor have I ever put any effort into changing that.

When I was in high school, I had a boyfriend who was older, and alot of the other girls would point out how lucky I was. That was until I became pregnant. I was -that girl-, that girl who had sex one time, and got knocked up.

I went from, being petite, and the envy of other girls, to -that girl- who everyone pitied. Finally, when I started getting comfortable with how others saw me, it changed.

Then I became, Jayleen's Mom.

I was still -that girl-, but now I had a name, Jayleen's Mom.

Because I was in high school, and because everyone was watching me to make sure I made the right choices, I always did what was asked, and what was expected of me. I finished up high school, and went to college.

It wasn't until I was 25 that I met the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He was the man that I had always pictured myself with, even back before I became, Jayleen's Mom. He was Godly, tall, handsome, caring, and understanding. Best of all, he was a Christian.

Nathaniel and I were married in 2005. We became pregnant shortly after. So, we did what every newly married couple who wanted 4+ children together would do. We bought a Mini Van.

That pregnancy ended shortly after it begun. We were devastated to say the least. But, we had faith that we would soon get pregnant and have the family we wanted.

Testing and 10 clomid cycles later, we were told that we needed to start thinking about ART. I was diagnosed with PCOS, and my husband was told he had moderate MFI.

I was now known as, -infertile-

That's when I started to really question my faith. Why me? Why is it ALWAYS ME? I hated God, and I hated me, and that's when I turned to food for comfort. I started to emotionally eat. I ate when I was happy, sad, angry, scared...

When co-workers would tag me on facebook in pictures, I would read the comments "Who is that fat lady?" But I secretly liked being called the "fat lady", I wanted to be known as the "fat lady" and not the "infertile" lady. Being infertile made me feel less like a lady.

I struggled with depression secretly for a year. Some nights I would pray for a baby, other nights I would pray that my life would end. I felt guilty that my husband loved me so much, and vowed to be with me forever, and I couldn't give him a biological child.

For years I avoided the obvious. It was as though, I liked being -that girl-, it was as though, I liked being the victim.

In 2009 I weighed in at my heaviest. I am only 5ft and I weighed 231 pounds. My husband and I changed fertility clinics because the 1st one told me that I needed to lose weight. That being overweight played a BIG part of my PCOS. That if I lost the weight I could start ovulating on my own, and if we needed treatments, that the chance of them working was greater.

I guess they didn't get the memo. I am -That Girl-! I am Jayleen's Mom, who is an Obese Infertile with PCOS! And I expect nothing but failure and disappointment.

So, I started cycling with a new clinic.

2 injectable cycles + IUI's + 1 IVF + Frozen Egg transfer = $28,000 and No Baby

My last Frozen Egg transfer was right before my 30th Birthday(Dec 24th). I honestly believed that I had been through alot that whole year, and that God was going to give me a break. Like He owed me a pregnancy for all the heartache. I even would spend my days daydreaming about how I would tell my husband I was pregnant on Christmas morning.

Well, something else happened Christmas morning.

I woke up. I did exactly that, I woke up! I am not blinded no more! I will NOT let my infertility, my weight, my insecurities, define me! I WILL learn how to love ME, and ACCEPT ME, and relearn how to accept Jesus in my heart again. It will not be easy, and it has not been. BUT I won't let bumps in the road throw me off course.

My pcos is under control, by ME being in control! I've lost 56 pounds since Jan 1st, 2010. Everyday when I look in the mirror, I am reminded that I am still finding me! Not only do I see a new person, but I feel new!

One Step at a time..

1 comment:

  1. Your story has really reached out to me. I am praying for you and want to tell you to really relish in all of the blessings God has given you. It's not easy to do, but God is in control and has a perfect plan for you. I'm so happy that you have a great husband and daughter!